English Original
in winter
nightfall is much like
the dropping
of a theatre curtain ...
the show is over, go home
Eucalypt, 33, 2023
Neal Whitman
Chinese Translation (Traditional)
冬天
的夜幕降臨很像
劇場布幕
的下落 ...
演出結束, 回家吧
Chinese Translation (Simplified)
冬天
的夜幕降临很像
剧场布幕
的下落 ...
演出结束, 回家吧
Bio Sketch
Neal Whitman is a member of Tanka Society of America and is Vice President of United Haiku and Tanka Society. He lives in Pacific Grove, California, with his wife, Elaine, where walking along Monterey Bay helps them cope with the pandemic. They wear masks out of respect for others.
Although the words ' theatre curtain' are not of her times, this tanka immediately reminded me of the observations and musings recorded by Sei Shounagon in her Pillow Book, Makura no Soushi, (completed in the year 1002), and of the tone of her poetic compositions in other collections.
ReplyDeleteFollowing an ellipsis, the great final line of Neal's tanka, 'the show is over, go home', prevents his lyric from being a grammatical sentence, or a simple statement.
The first four lines have a universal resonance: northern hemisphere or southern hemisphere, winter nightfalls tend to be more abrupt and complete than those of any other season. At the same time, this is clearly an expression of the poet's own feeling, even though he uses no personal pronoun to specify it.
The language Neal employs is straightforward and conversational. The lines of the tanka are laid out in the traditionally desirable short/long/short/long/long rhythmic format. Again in accordance with the tradition of Japanese tanka, his 5th line is the most important one, and has the most impact on the reader. This skilful composition also shows that, unlike a commonly held belief, a pivot line is not necessary to make an excellent tanka.
A delightfully different slant on seasonal tanka.
-- Amelia Fielden's commentary, accessed at https://www.eucalypt.info/E-awards.html#33-2023-B