November morning
I help Mother
write her obituary
wisps of fog
shroud the maple leaves
Just This, 2013
Margaret Chula
Chinese Translation (Traditional)
十一月的早晨
我幫媽媽
撰寫她的訃聞
縷縷薄霧
籠罩著楓葉
Chinese Translation (Simplified)
十一月的早晨
我帮妈妈
撰写她的讣闻
缕缕薄雾
笼罩著枫叶
Bio Sketch
Margaret Chula has published two collections of tanka: Always Filling, Always Full and Just This. She has promoted tanka through her one-woman dramatization, “Three Women Who Loved Love”, which traveled to Krakow, New York, Boston, Portland, Ottawa, and Ogaki, Japan. Maggie currently serves as president of the Tanka Society of America.
The upper verse states the theme while the evocative image in the lower verse is logically metaphoric, resonating closely with the emotional point of the poem.
ReplyDeleteMargaret's good choice of the multivalent verb, shroud, adds poignancy to the poem.
I wonder if a flipped version that employs the "ushin jo" might work better:
ReplyDeletewisps of fog
shroud the maple leaves
this November morning
I help Mother
write her obituary
Note: ... Structurally speaking, the jo, is typically a natural image or image cluster (“long jo”) that precedes the “main statement” of the poem (Cranston, xxiii). It is common in love poetry, where the jo performs a “valuable imagistic function” (ibid.). In the case of Susan’s tanka, the prefatory image of “a large bruise/ deep inside the mango” is visually stunning and psychologically suggestive. It prepares readers to see what's lying under the surface.
Jo may be of two types. In one there is no logical connection between the jo and the main statement of the poem. The connection is “solely based on wordplay” (ibid.). This type is called “mushin” (meaningless) 2. In the other, called “ushin” (meaningful), the prefatory image is “logically metaphoric or at least resonates closely with the emotional point of the poem” (ibid., xxiii-xxiv)...
For more information about traditional Japanese tanka and its bipartite (jo-main statement) structure, see my in-depth analysis of Susan Constable's bruise tanka, titled "Poetic Musings: Bruise Tanka by Susan Constable," http://neverendingstoryhaikutanka.blogspot.ca/2014/05/poetic-musings-bruise-tanka-by-susan.html