English Original
a lonely color is
rain on roofs reflecting
evening twilight
this train
has a destination
White Flowers in the Sky, 2005
Aya Yuhki
Chinese Translation (Traditional)
孤獨的顏色
是雨水落在屋頂上映照
傍晚的暮色
這列火車
有一個目的地
Chinese Translation (Simplified)
孤独的颜色
是雨水落在屋顶上映照
傍晚的暮色
这列火车
有一个目的地
Bio Sketch
Aya Yuhki was born and now lives in Tokyo. She started writing tanka more than thirty years ago and has expanded her interests to include free verse poetry, essay writing, and literary criticism. Aya Yuhki is Editor-in-Chief of The Tanka Journal published by the Japan Poets’ Society. Her works are featured on the homepage of the Japan Pen Club’s Electronic Library.
L1, “a lonely color,” is a strong opening. It is abstract enough to be evocative, yet it becomes grounded by the concrete image of rain on roofs reflecting the evening twilight in Ls 2&3. There is also a subtle tension between the static, reflective stillness of the roofs and the mechanical, purposeful movement of the train in Ls 4&5. This contrast creates a contemplative space, allowing the reader room for emotional resonance and personal reflection.
ReplyDeleteAnd I think the following slight revision might work better:
a lonely color—
rain on roofs reflecting
evening twilight;
unlike me
this train has a destination
This revision captures the classic "traveler’s melancholy." The shift at "unlike me" is the heart of the tanka. It moves the reader from an external observation (the rain/light) to an internal realization (aimlessness or loneliness).